December 3, 2008 An Interesting Christmas Perspective

Nativity Scene Checklist:

Manger - Check

Plastic Mary (in blue), Joseph (in pink) and baby Jesus - Check

Santa, on the manger's roof, looking perplexed, as he was told that there would be a chimney - Check

The wreckage of a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe in the background - Check

Card tables leaning against the side of the manger, in the event a game of bridge breaks out when the ladies from the church arrive - Check

Fire producing torches, two times the size of Joseph, located beneath the manger (A work of the devil, perhaps?) - Check

A tuxedo cat disguised as one of the three wise men, obviously bored and trying to sleep - Check

November 28, 2008 Angry Mop Haiku

Mop, might I suggest

Anger management classes?

You should lighten up.

November 16, 2008 The Sky is Falling

Last weekend, my dear friend Paige Turner had to visit the ER at St. Joseph's Hospital in Tampa. And as we were waiting in her room, a hospital worker passed by with a very tall cart. Just as he passed, a huge chunk of a ceiling tile fell from the drop ceiling. Initially, we thought something on his cart may have damaged the ceiling.

But then I saw it...the large, bare, hairy leg and foot retreating back into the ceiling. At first, my thought was "hey, a construction worker just accidentally put his foot through the ceiling." For some reason, it didn't occur to me at that moment that construction workers usually wear some type of shoe, along with pants, for that matter. In addition, as Paige pointed out, they also usually don't work at 10 pm on a Sunday night.

I stepped out of the room and took a much closer look up into the new hole in the ceiling, and saw TWO large, bare, hairy legs and feet coming from a hospital gown. So now I'm standing in the hallway inside the ER, saying somewhat loudly, "there is a patient in the ceiling with no shoes". (The "no shoes" part seemed important at the time. If it was just an ER patient crawling around in the ceiling wearing shoes, why, that would have been ok, I guess.) I continued... "seriously, there is a dude in the ceiling with no shoes." Now the ER doctors and nurses are starting to give me the "settle down, crazy woman, because we can take you out faster than you can say gurney" look. Thank goodness one of the doctors also spotted our ceiling crawler, which got me off the hook.

It was clear that we had a hospital escapee on our hands, and also clear that the ER drop ceiling was not going to support his weight for much longer. I was happy that he was, at least, crawling AWAY from Paige's room. I was safe, as I had taken the stand-under-a-door-frame-earthquake stance...however, Paige was in her hospital bed, and would not have been too pleased had the ceiling crawler dropped out of the sky onto her (unless, of course, he was very handsome and wealthy, and then it may have been ok).

He finally made his way down (thanks to gravity) and we heard later that he had travelled quite a distance via the drop ceiling. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get an iPhone photo of the situation, so I just took a photo of the outside of the ER (boring, I know). But, I have added another photo that should help with the visual. 

(P.S. I am happy to report that Paige is doing much better and is back at home. They were able to remove her hand from the bingo cage, and the puncture wounds from the giraffe bite are healing nicely.)

 

November 9, 2008 That's Hot

The Spice Girls and I headed out to today's Inaugural Crystal Beach Chili Cook-Off... and boy did we have a sizzling time. Some seagulls got into a heated argument, but overall everyone was very warm to us, and a festive time was had by all. Here are a few pics...and I must admit, they're pretty hot.

November 4, 2008 Lockahart Celebrates Birthadays

Yesterday, Rocky Shore, Sandy Shore and I were driving around taking photos of election day festivities, when we spotted this sign on 17th St. in Tampa. According to the Lockhart Elementary Magnet School sign, they specialize in exposing Tampa's youth to "Arts, Culture, Language". Yes, language. Even the very popular Pig Latin-esque-ish language featured below. "Let's go to Walamart" or "Pass the panacakes" are just a few of the statements that can often be overheard on the playground of Lockhart. If you would like to learn more about this little gem of a language, please visit www.justthrowanainwhereveryouwant.com, and remember, if your little one is struggling with their upcoming national spelling bee competition, the folks at Lockhart might be able to help. Numnah!

October 3, 2008 Pumpkin Buyer's Market/Patch

As we all know, right now...right this very minute actually...is the best time to buy a home. And the home featured below (located on E. Chelsea St., across from the old Middleton High School), may be the best deal going right now in Tampa. Sure, it may not be in the most prestigious neighborhood, but where else will you find this kind of offer? Do you know how many pumpkins you could buy with $6500? You betcha (wink)...about 1300 pumpkins. And why is that important you might ask? Well, because October happens to be my very, VERY favorite month of the year, and what better way to celebrate this special time than by having a few pumpkins sitting around. Pumpkins are to October what bottle rockets are to July, or what tambourines are to April (I know...I don't get it either). So load up some hay in your pick-up truck and head out to a Corn Maze, a haunted hotel, or the best October event around...the EPCOT Food and Wine Festival...but just remember, enjoy it while you can as there are only 7 weeks left 'til Thanksgiving*!

*Let me know if you would like to sign my "Let's-all-agree-to-move-Thanksgiving-to-May" petition.

October 4, 2008 Ideas for My Christmas Gifts Part 2

Please. Buy. Me. A. Pair. Of. These...

September 26, 2008 Is that a flesh-colored, gummi guitar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

I have often wondered what happened to that artist that used to work for Disney. You know, the one that drew the Beefy McManstick into the castle that appeared on the cover of the original Little Mermaid VHS. Well, I may have found him...still working for Disney...in the candy department. Did we learn nothing from the gummi lighthouses, people??? During a recent road trip to Cephas' Hot Shop in Ybor for some aloe smoothies, my dear friend Sue Flay offered me one of these beauties..."Disney's Hannah Montana Concert Candy, Sweet and Sour Gummies in Guitar and Microphone Shapes". I was as stunned as a kangaroo in a Radio Shack! Have you ever seen a flesh-colored guitar, I ask you? 

August 22, 2008 Ideas for my Christmas Gifts Part 1

Many thanks to my dear friend Minny Van Gogh for sharing her "Dr. Phil fathered Lindsey Lohan" National Enquirer with me last week, where I found this delightful little collectible. Meet Monkey Cuddles. Described as... "an adorable doll ready for some tender loving care! You'll find him absolutely irresistible! Before you know it, he will steal your heart away! Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, he's too cute for words with his little banana, curly tail and tiny topknot tied up with strands of genuine mohair. He even wears a real fabric diaper! Treasure him forever or enjoy giving him as lovable collectible to a monkey-lover!" 

Well I'm not really a monkey-lover, per se ( I like to work "per se" in where I can), but a REAL FABRIC DIAPER?!?! Sweet fancy moses...I might need three or four of these.*

*Disclaimer: If you actually buy me one of these, not only will I discontinue my electronic friendship with you on My Face, but I will also remove you from my blog distribution emails, and we will NEVER go to dinner together at Circle K again. Ever.

August 26, 2008 Airstream Ranch: Art or Art?

Hands down...the Airstream Ranch* in Dover, FL is a brilliant work of art. Why there is even a debate is beyond my comprehension. As a kid, I vacationed in my grandmother's "silver pickle" and thought it was the coolest mode of transportation ever. I've always been attracted to bright, shiny things thanks to a bad case of ADHD, so the Airstream Ranch located here and owned by Frank Bates of Bates RV, is the very best eye candy that Interstate 4 has to offer. Some call it an eyesore. Ha! For a real eyesore along Interstate 4, please check out the huge, obnoxious, offensive, ignorant, and reprehensible rebel flag located at the interchange of Interstate 4 and Interstate 75.

*The photo below was taken while driving 85mph...er...I mean 70mph on I-4, heading west. Please do not try this at home.

August 29, 2008 Emergency!! Survival!! Furniture!!

Many thanks to my mom (no, not "your mom" this time) for showing me this little gem of a tent sale on the corner of Highway 60 and Lakewood in Brandon. It's the "Direct Emergency Survival Furniture Sale" and it's happening right now!! I know that when I need a new couch or piece of wall art, it is definitely an emergency. And if I can't find exactly what I want, when I want it ("Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa, NOW!") it becomes a matter of survival for those around me. So I was as delighted as a cantaloupe in overalls, when we came across this place. Unfortunately, I am all set right now in the couch department, but I sure hope this place is still around the next time I have a furniture crisis.

August 9, 2008 Tampa Bay Derby Darlins...And the Silver Goes to...

Last night resulted in yet another wonderful installation of the Tampa Bay Derby Darlins skating, fighting and jamming their way into our hearts. And although the Tampa Tantrums did not come out victorious over the Detroit Derby Girls (ranked #8 in the nation), there was a bright spot in the evening. Very bright. And shiny. And silver. And gloriously skin-tight. Mr. Marv Illis, a guest referee for the event from Grosse Ile, Michigan, wore what some might describe as shorts that would make the Cloud Gate in Chicago look like a grief-stricken coffee bean. It was as though someone had hot-glued my pupils to his lower midsection. Here is a photo of my friend Carrie Oki posing with Mr. Illis...

In other Tampa Bay Roller Derby news...

My dear friend Ella Vader is trying out for the Darlins on Monday. We are very proud of her and can't wait to see her in her first bout!

If you missed the Darlins' very awesome Tampa Bay 2008 Red Bull Flugtag flight, you can catch it here.

The Home Championship Bout will take place on Sat., Sept. 6th @ 8pm (doors at 7pm) at Skateplex in Temple Terrace. The 2007 Champs, Cigar City Mafia, vs. the Switchblade Sisters. $10 in advance or $12 at the door (cash only).

And last, but not least, please check out Rick O'Shea's blogs here and here, you won't want to miss these two posts!

July 22, 2008 Paging Mr. I.P. Freely...

Maybe it's the Beavis and Butt-head in me, but I love inappropriate, funny names. Fake funny names are fun, but REAL funny names are the best. In Hillsborough County, all new teachers must go through a new teacher orientation, and the training manual that is used is co-written by...wait for it...Mr. Harry Wong! ROFLMMFAO (which translates to "Raise Our Flask! Look Ma...Mark Fetched An Ostrich!" for all of you who might be new to texting). Anyhoo, when my teacher friend, Anita Plummer, showed me this book, I was happier than a millipede in a DSW. As a Hillsborough County School System alumna, I now have a better understanding of why I had so many little wongs as teachers...

 

July 11, 2007 Bealls Outlet's Secret

At the Bealls Outlet located at the corner of Florida Ave. and Fletcher Ave., you can find some really great deals on clothing, shoes, candles, picture frames, and even lingerie...bras, panties, and, yes, the Naughty Nurse and French Maid outfits. Now given how snooty and J Byrons-esque the "real" Bealls stores usually are, I just can't imagine how these items ended up in the outlet store. Was it some tool's first (and last) day on the job in the Bealls' purchasing department, and he was asked to order scrubs for their uniform section? Has Bealls cut a deal with The Todd to distribute outlet items for them, too? Was this a Halloween costume order that went very bad? Who knows. But I tell ya, I was more shocked than a one-eyed farmer from Kansas using an Easy Bake Oven, when I saw them hanging there today...

June 25, 2008 Public Service Announcement

As much as I LOVE the Dollar Tree, there are three types of items that I just must take a moment to encourage you to steer clear of...

First --- The faux meat section (pictured below). Any ham meat treat that is spelled "Treet" is just not a good idea. And in general, the word "loaf" is just disgusting, wouldn't you agree? So a product called the "Luncheon Loaf" is about as disturbing as a kangaroo in a Alaskan Wal-mart. And to top it all off, they also carry "Potted Meat"... Sweet fancy Moses.

Second --- The feminine products section, which includes the pregnancy test, the disposable douche and the 7-day vaginal cream. Now ladies, this just isn't an area where we want to cut corners, is it? I'm just sayin'. 

Third --- Any electrical/battery operated device that is used on any part of your body (I'll wait while you retrieve your mind from the gutter....dum dee dum....good, you're back, let's continue...) This would include the nose hair trimmer. Just think, if something were to go terribly wrong, and that thing takes your entire nose off, then here's you in the ER, "Well, I was using my nose hair trimmer.... well, from the Dollar Tree....well, yes I do remember thinking that $1 was a good deal for a nose hair trimmer...". See my point.

So go ahead, drop by a Dollar Tree and splurge on those items that really are the best deals on the planet...gift bags, holiday decorations, dish towels, wine glasses, and even the occasional bag of Pixy Stix. Just say "No!" to the items mentioned above and you'll be just fine. 

June 23, 2008 "God" Lucky Schmucky

This week "God" was arrested in Tampa for selling Cocaine. Funny? I think not. The deal went down in front of a church, of all places. To put this in perspective for you, this would be like Bill Gates selling "oranges" in front of the Apple headquarters in Cupertino. Or Ronald McDonald calling himself "The King" and selling Happy Meals to the Subservient Chicken in front of the Burger King in McDonald, OH. "What could be more absurd than this?", you might ask. "God's" middle name is "Lucky". Well he's not looking so lucky in his mug shot. And I'm pretty sure "God's" mom was hittin' the ole crack pipe when choosing a baby name. And to think, I always thought that "God" might be arrested for some stunt involving a great deal of wine, but never this.

June 23, 2008 Nessie Goes to College

For many years, Nessie the Loch Ness Monster has dreamed of going to school at USF. She was admitted in May after she was finally able to bring up her SAT scores. Below is a photo of her in her new dorm room, also known as Campus Lake or Lake Behnke (I always assumed it was spelled Lake Binkie, since it is in the shape of a foot). The artist is Cameron Gainer and you may see Nessie for yourself by visiting the USF Botanical Gardens or by pulling over on the side of the road here. I am also pleased to report that someone at USF has a sense of humor. Who knew? 

June 15, 2008 Worth Repeating

This past Sunday, I found myself again passing through the same busy intersection in Orlando where the car below makes hundreds of u-turns every Sunday morning in an attempt (I assume) to spread the gospel. Mr." I Hot Glued Plastic Animals to My Camry for Jesus" Guy is still at it, even though gas prices have soared. I think I may use his technique to spread the word about the dying art of the Carnival Sideshow. This afternoon, I plan to hot glue millions of dwarfs, Chupacabras, bearded women, lobster pincers, and half people (replicas, of course, so that no sideshow performers are harmed) to my car, and drive back and forth through the intersection in front of the Showtown Restaurant and Lounge in Gibtown.

June 3, 2008 Holy Luncheon Loaf, Batman!

It's really no secret that I like to shop. And dollar stores are great places to get the best bang for your buck. I was actually thinking that I might want to open my own dollar store. But just when I was about to call up Batman to see if he would like to go into business with me, I passed this store on Florida Ave. Oh well, just like most really great ideas, it has already been done...

May 30, 2008 Jerry Meets Mary Jane

Jerry's Drive-Thru was a great little convenient store located in Forest Hills for many years, until Jerry and his wife retired. The store remained open for a short time under new ownership and then it closed for good a few months back. The marquee out front read "For Lease" on both sides... Until this week when some very creative folks played a game of Word Scramble with the letters...

May 28, 2008 Put a Cork in It

During a recent visit with my friend Eileen Dover (and husband Ben), we were discussing wine (I know, shocking) and how we both like to keep and preserve sentimental wine corks (by writing the date and who the bottle was shared with, etc.). About this time, Eileen says, "I actually keep all of my wine corks. They are all over." and points up to her planter shelf in the kitchen that has several baskets full of corks. "That's cool" I say, as baskets full of corks are a great way to decorate  a kitchen. It screams, "We have had a lot of wine here!", which is good news because that probably means there is some there now. And sure enough, about this time, Ben hands me a glass of wine. Sweet! She goes on to say that she thinks she might actually have OCD when it comes to keeping wine corks...to which I am about to say, "No you don't."...when she shows me this...                                                  

April 24, 2008 This Tree is Happy to See You!

Located near the beautiful Babe Zaharias Golf Course in fabulous Forest Hills, is a newly trimmed palm tree. And as my friend Harriet Potter so eloquently put it, "That's awesome...it's tree shwing shwang!" 

April 26, 2008 Who Does Number Two Work For?

On my way to Jackson's one evening with Ella Mentry and Lou Tenant, we spotted some graffiti on the side of a building. Vandalism? I think not. And as I am sure you are aware, graffiti is considered by many (including myself) to be an art form, often seen in urban settings and used to convey social and/or political ideas and beliefs. As much as I would like to take credit for the lovely work you see below, I can't. However, I am paralyzed by its simplicity. It's beauty. Its depth of meaning. I think I need a moment... The artist that created this breathtaking work is unfortunately unknown to us. If you would like to see this spectacular, synergistic use of paint and aerosol in person, you may do so at the intersection of Nebraska Ave and E Walton St. in downtown Tampa.

April 30, 2008 That's Soopa, Bietch!

As I was taking some "real" pictures for my Tampa Letters project, I visited the Ballast Point Park, one of my favorite Tampa water spots off of Bayshore Blvd. This is a great place to visit for a walk on the pier, an amazing view of the Tampa Skyline or to collect old sea glass. While there, I use the ladies room...or should I say the "Soopa Woman" room. When I saw the writing on the door, I had to question whether the person who wrote it was just retarded or if I am just getting too old to understand the cool phrases kids are using these days. Please feel free to enlighten me on what the below means if you know....or just make something up to entertain me, either way works.

May 11, 2008 "Fun for the Whole Family"

My friend Jim Nasium pointed out this very inviting, Tampa entertainment facility....The C & R Recreation Center, located just west of Ybor City at 811 East 7th Ave.  Since it does offer "Fun for the Whole Family", I think I may take my friends' kids there the next time we hang out. "But, is it safe?", you might ask. Sure! Why look at all the bars on the doors! "Will my family get bored hanging out there?", you may also ask. No Way! They have pool (table not swimming), dominos and pin ball for goodness sakes! "Will my eyes hurt if I go there immediately following an eye Dr. appointment?", you might inquire. Not at all! As there are no windows, so your dilated pupils can adjust to the light as you kick back and watch your family having fun!

May 19, 2008 A Chip off the Old Fry

I hit the Webster Flea Market yesterday with two of my fiends, Cornelius and Veronica...and, although there was a lot to photograph and many things to report, the photos would have been horribly offensive to most...and it is best that I leave the reporting up to Tampa's very own, Mr. Funny Pants...you can read his blog about our experience here. So....with that being said, I will report on an ironic product (and by ironic, I mean the Alanis Morissette type) that I discovered at my very favorite convenient "center", the Coast to Coast at the intersection of Bearss Ave and Florida Ave in Tampa (this is where you can buy decent wine, Nicola's Donuts, all five different flavors of Combos, and delicious BBQ while playing an arcade game). The item? The "Burger King Ketchup and Fries Flavored Potato Snack". Yes, because if eating french fries and ketchup at a fast food chain wasn't bad enough for you, then eating fake french fries and ketchup made from preservatives' preservatives should do the trick. And considering that Burger King's french fries are just plain sad in comparison to a McDonald's french fry...you will be happy to know that the fake Burger King french fry treat is actually much more tasty than their real counterpart. Irony? Maybe. But they also sell the "Flame-Broiled Burger Potato Snack", so you decide. As a side note, it is also worth mentioning that at the Flea Market I found the original Little Mermaid VHS with the you-know-what drawn into the castle.

Scoooooooooooooooooooore!

February 7, 2008 Poobah

As most of you know, I LOVE the fair. I love everything about it. The mullets (check out my very famous, mullet mini-doc/music video here), the deep fried oreos (trust me, I have tried every fried item possible, and this is the only one worth the potential heart attack), the Tilt-a-Whirl, the Shoot Out the Star game, the Hot Wisconsin Cheese, but most importantly the Sideshows. I mean, where else can you see a REAL (but badly decayed) Chupacabra? A highlight of the fair for me is a quick visit to see Pete "Poobah" Terhune, the 78 year old, "fire-eating pygmy". I've been visiting Poobah since I was a kid. He and his buddy Ward Hall are legends at the Florida State Fair and around the country, as they are some of the last remaining, original sideshow performers in America that are still going strong. Cheers, Poobah!