June 25, 2008 Public Service Announcement

As much as I LOVE the Dollar Tree, there are three types of items that I just must take a moment to encourage you to steer clear of...

First --- The faux meat section (pictured below). Any ham meat treat that is spelled "Treet" is just not a good idea. And in general, the word "loaf" is just disgusting, wouldn't you agree? So a product called the "Luncheon Loaf" is about as disturbing as a kangaroo in a Alaskan Wal-mart. And to top it all off, they also carry "Potted Meat"... Sweet fancy Moses.

Second --- The feminine products section, which includes the pregnancy test, the disposable douche and the 7-day vaginal cream. Now ladies, this just isn't an area where we want to cut corners, is it? I'm just sayin'. 

Third --- Any electrical/battery operated device that is used on any part of your body (I'll wait while you retrieve your mind from the gutter....dum dee dum....good, you're back, let's continue...) This would include the nose hair trimmer. Just think, if something were to go terribly wrong, and that thing takes your entire nose off, then here's you in the ER, "Well, I was using my nose hair trimmer.... well, from the Dollar Tree....well, yes I do remember thinking that $1 was a good deal for a nose hair trimmer...". See my point.

So go ahead, drop by a Dollar Tree and splurge on those items that really are the best deals on the planet...gift bags, holiday decorations, dish towels, wine glasses, and even the occasional bag of Pixy Stix. Just say "No!" to the items mentioned above and you'll be just fine. 

June 23, 2008 "God" Lucky Schmucky

This week "God" was arrested in Tampa for selling Cocaine. Funny? I think not. The deal went down in front of a church, of all places. To put this in perspective for you, this would be like Bill Gates selling "oranges" in front of the Apple headquarters in Cupertino. Or Ronald McDonald calling himself "The King" and selling Happy Meals to the Subservient Chicken in front of the Burger King in McDonald, OH. "What could be more absurd than this?", you might ask. "God's" middle name is "Lucky". Well he's not looking so lucky in his mug shot. And I'm pretty sure "God's" mom was hittin' the ole crack pipe when choosing a baby name. And to think, I always thought that "God" might be arrested for some stunt involving a great deal of wine, but never this.

June 23, 2008 Nessie Goes to College

For many years, Nessie the Loch Ness Monster has dreamed of going to school at USF. She was admitted in May after she was finally able to bring up her SAT scores. Below is a photo of her in her new dorm room, also known as Campus Lake or Lake Behnke (I always assumed it was spelled Lake Binkie, since it is in the shape of a foot). The artist is Cameron Gainer and you may see Nessie for yourself by visiting the USF Botanical Gardens or by pulling over on the side of the road here. I am also pleased to report that someone at USF has a sense of humor. Who knew? 

June 15, 2008 Worth Repeating

This past Sunday, I found myself again passing through the same busy intersection in Orlando where the car below makes hundreds of u-turns every Sunday morning in an attempt (I assume) to spread the gospel. Mr." I Hot Glued Plastic Animals to My Camry for Jesus" Guy is still at it, even though gas prices have soared. I think I may use his technique to spread the word about the dying art of the Carnival Sideshow. This afternoon, I plan to hot glue millions of dwarfs, Chupacabras, bearded women, lobster pincers, and half people (replicas, of course, so that no sideshow performers are harmed) to my car, and drive back and forth through the intersection in front of the Showtown Restaurant and Lounge in Gibtown.

June 3, 2008 Holy Luncheon Loaf, Batman!

It's really no secret that I like to shop. And dollar stores are great places to get the best bang for your buck. I was actually thinking that I might want to open my own dollar store. But just when I was about to call up Batman to see if he would like to go into business with me, I passed this store on Florida Ave. Oh well, just like most really great ideas, it has already been done...